The Poor Mom Revolution

I’ve become really good at being alone as a mother. Now don’t get me wrong. I have always been a social butterfly, always making plans and going out and loving every second of it. I’ve always been pretty outgoing, positive and made friends easily! I just remember how simple relationships were whether meeting new people at work, the gym or while I was out and about running errands and how difficult it became the moment kids came into my life. 

I knew becoming a mom would change my life drastically, but in no way was I ready to feel so alone. Something changed when I became a mom. I was one of the first of my friends to have a kid. That by itself puts you in a separate category because everyone knows you’re not going to be able to go out spur the moment, it’s hard to leave a baby and it just feels different having a lunch date with a baby joining as the third wheel. Just about every friendship I had slowly started to fade away. With the lack of sleep, energy and time, I definitely didn’t put everything I had into keeping these relationships either. My spare time was taken by trying to complete my masters and keeping my own emotional, mental well-being in check.  

I didn’t take any of it personally or at least I tried not to as we were in different stages of life. I continued to rationalize it and tell myself that it was all going to be okay and I’d make friends soon enough. I just didn’t realize how secluded I would feel. My priorities obviously changed and with it so did my want to get dolled up and go out. My ideal friendship date at the time would have been having someone come over, hang out in the backyard or just sit on the couch and chat. Which if I’m being honest is still my go to now!

Being a new mom at 25, working to finish my master’s degree didn’t leave much time to meet people organically. I started looking online and joined different mom groups, both of which I didn’t feel like I fit in. The first group had a trial playdate and I was the youngest mom by far. They were here with their youngest kids that were all toddler age and were on a whole other experience level, had lots of opinions and advice and wasn’t exactly the vibe I was going for. I was craving friendship and the “old” me, so only talking about motherhood and/or mom fail moments left me feeling incomplete. I was so hopefully and I tried another one. The second group I tried… was hard to explain, but I felt like an outsider and was highly uncomfortable. Part of which could have been the fact that it was at someone’s house as opposed to a group outing or park, but I wasn’t able to pinpoint it. I remember coming home to my husband and saying that I was done with mom groups. 

Our society used to be so much more social and unified. There used to be clubs for couples and families new to the area. People always seemed to have that core mom tribe…the “it takes a village” attitude. Neighbors had open door policies and stayed outside all day long. I miss that!

I just kept telling myself that eventually I’d make a good group of friends as the kids grew up. When the kids started daycare, I was lucky enough to find Mom’s at pickup and drop off that were super cool. We would meet up at events like the parades, local fairs that the daycare would set up and it’s always nice when the kids get to play and the moms do too. The only problem is that when the kids were young we moved three different times so it was constantly starting over and creating these friendships. At such a young age, in order for kids to have a playdate, the parents have to kind of like each other too, or at least enough to chit chat for a few hours, which can be more challenging than you think. And just like in grade school when you’re not in the same class, school or state anymore… the relationship inevitably fades.

I remember feeling lonely again when we moved back to Pennsylvania during Covid times. It had already been a month or two, we met zero neighbors and we were hanging out at the pool that summer. There were a couple moms sitting on the outside of the pool and Ava told me to go say hi. I remember looking at her with a confused look on my face and she repeated to say ” Mom, making friends is so easy. Be like me. Walk over and say… hi, my name is Jamie. Want to be my friend?” It got me thinking! Why is it so easy to walk up to someone when you’re little and become friends? At what point do we become so self-conscious, or nervous to just say hi? At what point does being uncomfortable become crippling, where we’d rather be alone? 

I feel like most of my intellectual conversations happen with my 8-year-old daughter. She mentioned the other day that I was so lucky to have so many friends. When I asked her what she meant, she started rattling off all these people that we knew. It then got me thinking about the differences of friendship. I KNOW a ton of people! I’m an acquaintance of a ton of people. And when it comes down to it, there’s maybe 2-3 people I’d turn to in a crisis… potentially. As outgoing as I seem to be the majority of the time, I’m very private about my personal life. I don’t like burdening other people with my problems and sometimes I don’t feel like my internal dialogue is something that I should be sharing. So I’ve built a very thick shell around myself and curled up in there for quite a while. Which is the opposite of who I am for other people. I’ve always been the one to help in a time of need, ask advice from and cheer you up on a crappy day. Why is it so hard to find the same?

Sometimes I think I’m being too picky and the problem must be me, and other times I feel like I’ve matured enough to know what I deserve and wait until I find it. I can’t be alone and feeling like this… Maybe we need to create a mom tribe symbol, like the bat symbol, to find those women that make you laugh until you wheeze, watch a Hallmark film when you’re feeling cheesy, or to help you finish a bottle of wine by the campfire. Mom power!