The Poor Mom Revolution

     They say parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever love! There are no rules or set game plans of how everything’s supposed to work. You are in a continual state of managing your own life, fears, and personal growth all while doing the absolute same for miniature versions of yourself. It’s like your mind has this impossible mental checklist every single day and somehow you become frustrated and even disappointed when you don’t manage to complete it all. And then there’s that day you feel like you finally got it all figured out… and that kid of yours grows up just a little bit, and you wake up with an entirely different child and you’ve got to figure out this parenting thing all over again. It’s those extremely difficult days that have you on the verge of tears and fighting back yelling at the top of your lungs, to missing them and watching them sleep soundly from the doorway. 

     Parenting is difficult to begin with, but when you’re new and trying to figure everything out for yourself, you can’t help but take in bits and pieces of everyone else’s thoughts and opinions. It becomes overbearing and you begin to second guess all the things you know that feel right. You feel like you’re being judged and even though everyone else is struggling alongside of you… it’s not something we talk about. As a mom or parent, you aren’t allowed to say that sometimes you’d rather disappear for a day just to get a break and stop hearing all the little voices that surround you. You’re not allowed to mention that you may have regrets or that you miss the life you had before kids. When in reality, when you become a parent you do lose a part of your old life and self and that is something that I feel we should be allowed to think about and even mourn if we have to. We make sacrifices that no one knows about for the benefit of our kids and many times it’s to a detriment to ourselves. We love them so incredibly much that sometimes we forget to feed ourselves, shower, workout or even take deep breaths along the way. It is a constant, unrelenting job that sometimes we can love to hate. 

     Growing up I always knew I was going to be a mom and it’s honestly all I thought about from the time I was 16. I was a mother’s helper by age 12, babysitter for years after that, worked at a daycare through college and used the baby names I loved for all my college teaching papers. I always had a plan on when I thought it was going to happen and even made a promise with my best friend that if we were still single and alone by the age of 25 we would get together, marry and have kids. *Spoiler alert* I did marry my best friend and it just so happened to be a little ahead of our crazy highschool fantasy schedule.

     When it comes to parenting, we set these extremely high expectations for ourselves that are impossible for anyone to reach. We’re attempting to find ourselves, break generational patterns all while mixing both you and your partners parenting philosophies. We’re honestly making it up as we go along and when we screw up, which we inevitably do constantly, we apologize, communicate and try and do better. I know living in the “what if’s” isn’t the best, but I definitely think about how different things would be if I was the first time parent now with all the info and knowledge I currently have. I have worked so hard to set boundaries that I feel like I would be much better off telling people to mind their own opinions now then in years past. I am much more confident in myself and my abilities as opposed to being so self-conscious and nervous about making a wrong decision. And even less about the parenting thing because it changes day by day, but the relationship, communication and growth that my husband and I have gone through over the past 10 or so years would have been a game changer when our kids were babies. We now make it a point to tell each other when we need help, when we’re upset or overwhelmed or when we simply need “us” time. Don’t get me wrong..I still lose it sometimes, am short tempered and overreact about the kitchen table not being cleaned as it was spotless 5 minutes ago, the last minute freak outs when everyone’s been up for hours and no one’s ready to leave on time, or simply the utter exhaustion that comes with the mental load of motherhood and managing everything around me. 

     Speaking of the mental load..

I’ve attempted to put this into words for my husband and other people and I feel like it never comes out right so let’s see if this makes any sense. Everyday I have an ongoing checklist that I rehash in my brain on a minute by minute basis. It’s a to-do list of anything and everything you can possibly think of spinning around from replaying  doctor’s appointments I have yet to make, sport schedules, crazy amount of house projects, the cleaning and purging I want to do with the house, but I really should order those groceries ahead of time so I can pick them up after work… and the list goes on and on! My brain is always on rapid fire and never stops. Part of this constant brain activity is because I put a lot on my plate (probably too much), I’m a bit of a perfectionist (meaning I prefer things done my way), and my anxiety causes me to overthink and analyze every situation so it’s always running overtime. I’m the one that remembers we ran out of jelly yesterday and need to get it the next time we’re at the supermarket. I’m the one that manages and remembers everyone’s schedule, appointment, school event and activities on the daily.  I’m the one that puts pressure on myself and feels guilty if I don’t do all the things for them which include going and watching every sporting practice and game, attending the school math and reading nights because the kids want to go and hang out with their friends, enjoy all the birthday parties that come up throughout the year, create fun traditions around the holidays… All while attempting to keep my sanity in check. That’s definitely an unreasonable expectation for anyone! 

     I mean… how many of you have been through the toddler years? How is that time between 2 and 4 years old anything but chaotic? I remember how much trouble they would get in within the 30 seconds of you turning around and attempting to do anything other than focus all your attention on them. My kids absolutely loved lotion. I should have known right there that that was going to be a fun time. I remember going to the bathroom once without letting my little Ava in, maybe 2 minutes of alone time and she found a giant jar of Vaseline and put it not only on hands, but all over her entire body, hair and every doorknob in the vicinity. Let’s just say it took us a very long time to remove all of it. My job did a similar thing that age with a bottle of ketchup. Oh man did they love the best things! Then there was that time we were a week away from closing and selling our house. The kids found my acrylic paints and thought painting the bricks on our porch was a great idea to spread some love. Sometimes I wonder how my head didn’t explode, but they are kids and that’s what they do. They see beauty in all things and want us to see it too. They test us and make sure that we keep ourselves and our emotions In check. They make us better humans!

     There’s always that motto of practice what you preach, but we don’t always do that do we? If we had a friend that was struggling with the exact same thing we would tell them to take time for themselves and that they deserve it and that none of us are perfect. We’d offer to help out if they needed a day to clean, or a girl’s afternoon of chilling and hanging out and drinking wine, or offer to take the kids for a little bit while they ran some errands. But when it comes to ourselves we just push through until we get to a point where we break. A point where we can’t handle anything else and start to shut down slowly but surely. 

     The list goes on and on and the more I think about it, the more I realize how much crap we handle every SINGLE day! We really are rock stars and put unnecessary pressure on ourselves when in reality we are so incredibly accomplished! Raising tiny humans without an instruction manual to be kind, generous, strong, independent souls is an everyday hands on job with no real breaks or time off. I’m realizing that everyone I know around me has a similar vibe. We’re all trying to make all of the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly and sometimes you just feel like you’re missing the biggest piece to put it all together. If you’re anything like me, you may have a hard time letting people in or sharing your struggles, but we all have them. We all like to feel connected to each other and feel heard and I’m hoping these little stories offer insight, hope and a relaxation that you are absolutely incredible!