The Poor Mom Revolution

      If I’m being honest, I feel as though communication is one of the hardest skills to master. It takes years and years of practice and the earlier the craft is practiced the better. Once again, there’s no handbook on how to do this and every generation is figuring out what they’re going to teach or pass on. We’re making things up as we go in hopes that our children are able to be independent, voice their opinions, be confident and strong, and have the ability to fight for what they believe in, but often are not giving the tools to do so.  Many have grown up in a “kid should be seen and not heard” mentality, others are taught that emotions are a sign of weakness, some overshare and others keep things in for far too long. Everyone’s trying to find that happy medium, but aren’t sure how to get there. Now you have an entire generation of 20 to 40-year-olds trying to find themselves and learn how to manage their relationships with others.

      I started off my teaching career in a kindergarten classroom with 27 four to five-year-olds. Most of them had not gone to preschool and were coming from Grandma’s house and It quickly became obvious that some skills had to be explicitly taught. As a first-year teacher, completely brand new and right out of college, the concept of having children sit and listen for minutes at a time was an impossible feat. Thinking back about how they weren’t able to communicate with one another, ask for help, use manners, or share their little emotions. These were all things that had to be taught, demonstrated and practiced day after day throughout the entire year. I think sometimes we have expectations that people will just know what to do. That somehow and somewhere we are innately born knowing all the things. Well guess what… we’re not!

      You’d think 4th and 5th grade would be better when it came to communication, but every day after recess I’d be teaching social skills in the hallway. There would be kids fighting, arguments, kids ignoring each other because they didn’t know how to say they were upset about something and I found myself being a social worker for them each and every day. As crazy as it sounds, it was probably one of my favorite parts of the day. I was helping them build relationship and communication skills that they didn’t already have and I knew that it would be a lifelong skill that they would be able to take with them everywhere they went. It also helped that we stressed community and family within the classroom from day one and I wasn’t going to allow quarrels or the lack of communication skills mess with that. Life will be hard enough as it is so why not learn to support one another. 

      Now here I am as an adult learning that no matter what age there are so many people who are socially inept. Now don’t get me wrong, I meet so many nice, incredible people each day whether running errands, on the phone at work, at the local supermarket, out at a restaurant with friends and it brings life and positivity into my soul. I start up conversations with people who just need a friend for a moment, those that are looking for the tiniest bit of social interaction or just genuine people. Then there are those that suck everything out of you. Those that don’t know how to clearly communicate their wants and needs and therefore throw tons of negativity into the air or they explode by taking it out on those around them. If you’re caught in a crossfire it can really mess with your mood, workplace sanity and overall mental wellbeing. Which honestly sucks, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that you can start learning these skills at any age but it’s a matter of wanting to change and some never will!

      My communication skills used to be non-existent. Since I was younger, I was really good and holding everything in, suppressing it and hoping it would just disappear…which it never did. I always wanted to fly under the radar as to not ruffle any feathers. All this did was torture me from the inside out. Always appearing to be sunshine and rainbows, while breaking down the moment I was alone or couldn’t hide it anymore. I used to think going into my room and closing the doors to cry was a way of  being strong, but I’ve realized now that it was simply a way to protect myself from letting anyone know how I was feeling. 

     In our house we talk. I’ve made it a point to show my kids growing up how to have the hard conversations. How to share their feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly. Now this doesn’t mean we don’t go into our rooms to close the door behind us and have moments to ourselves because we have plenty of those. It’s about letting each other know when we’ve had a bad day or upset the way someone talked to us. It’s about my husband and I apologizing when we’ve overreacted or said something that bothered each other. It’s about taking ownership of our feelings and demonstrating how to express them. My kids are highly empathetic, like myself, and sometimes talking it out loud can help them manage all the emotions that sometimes make them want to explode on those they love around them. I onde hear kids have more meltdowns around their mothers, because they feel safe and loved. Not sure if it’s true… but I’m glad they know that when things become too much, they’ll always have the two of us. 

Last month, I had gone to Colorado on at work trip who owned a business called “Business Outdoors.” You taking a hike up a mountain and he had done an exercise about gratefulness. After a super heartfelt story, he wanted us all to send a 30 second video chat to someone that changed our lives and didn’t know it. He wanted us to let them know how important they were, how much they meant to us and or whatever we wanted to say to them at that moment. There were about 45 adults on this hike and every single one of them were in tears sending this video to somebody they cared about. He ending the exercise with… who will send you a video like this in 10 years? This absolutely blew my mind and it was a beautiful way to show people you care when you don’t always let them know. 

      When my husband and I first got married, our communication skills were polar opposites. He would say whatever was on his mind with no sugar coating. I was always jealous of his ability to do that as I’d hold it in and wait months just to let him know something made me upset forever ago. By that point, I had convinced myself that it was so insignificant that it wasn’t worth mentioning. I’d bottle it all up and explode on the person I felt safest and most vulnerable with…him! As you could imagine, it wasn’t the best way to sort out our problems or differences and by all means wasn’t the healthiest either. It wasn’t until we were married about 2 years before we decided it would be best for me to talk to a therapist. I needed to figure out how to communicate better and to say what was on my mind without feeling embarrassed, mortified or uncomfortable, especially with him. I’ve never been a therapist person, but for some reason speaking to a random stranger who has no personal connection to those around me made it easier to speak my mind. When you share it all and put it out on the table for an hour, it makes it so much more effortless to go home and say it again. I guess I just needed a non-judgemental sounding board in order to have the ability to speak up for myself.

      I couldn’t believe how freeing it felt to finally say what was on my mind. Now don’t get me wrong, did my hand still shake or did I become ridiculously anxious when speaking up when things bothered me? Of course! Did I make lists and frantically talk it out and overthink what I’d say before having the hard conversations?You betcha!

     There’s that saying “happy wife, happy life” and I’m pretty sure they’re talking about communication with their significant other. Is this a strength of yours or something you’re working on?