The Poor Mom Revolution

     When I was a teacher, every in-service day or meeting would throw around  “buzz words.” These were the popular, common words used to describe teaching important skills like differentiated instruction, growth mindset and all that jazz. The moment I became a parent, the new buzz word was boundaries. 

     This is probably going to be one of the hardest blogs for me to write and one of the most important. This topic has been a huge journey for me over the course of my life and with it I’ve met so many people who have asked me questions about it. Where do I even start?  How do I know when enough is enough? Does it ever get easier? The short answer is … only you can make a decision on what’s personally best for you and your family. When you get to a point of pure frustration and are at the verge of walking away completely, this allows for another alternative.

Finally, as you may know it never gets easier, you just keep getting more consistent and stronger. It’s always harder on you than everybody else because you care enough to make these important relationships work while protecting yourself at the same time. 

     Creating and being consistent with my boundaries was and still is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. Boundaries are created to draw a specific line in the sand of what you are willing or able to tolerate from those in your life. These could be boundaries with close friends, family members, co-workers or management. It takes a deep dive inward to determine how you’re going to be spoken to, when enough is enough, as well as being able to verbalize the boundary over and over and over again. 

     It was like until becoming a parent, no matter what people said, did or acted like… it was okay. It affected me and me alone and honestly sometimes it’s hard to stand up for yourself. I would just brush it off or at least try to even if it meant weeks of stewing and thinking about it.  Most of the time I chalked it up to overreacting, reading into things, being too emotional or simply my anxiety taking over. Then parenthood came into play and for some reason things that used to be “okay” or manageable, pushed to the side or suppressed didn’t feel the same. I was never strong enough to stand up for myself but when it came to my kids, I would move mountains! 

   The kids changed every perspective I had. Not only was I growing up with them, but was seeing things through their eyes. What would my advice be to them if someone was speaking to them in a rude or insulting matter? Would I say, “It’s okay honey, that’s what bosses do? Just let it go and ignore them. Unfortunately they can speak to you that way,” If they were uncomfortable with a comment by a family member, would I insist that it’s not that big of a deal because family is family? If a friend treated them terribly or degraded them, I would make sure they knew what type of friendships they deserve to have and ones that don’t fit aren’t worth their time, energy and sadness. I began taking some of my own advice and creating the steps to be a positive role model for my kids by showing them healthy relationships and creating those boundaries for us. Since we were little we were taught to use our words and to think before we act, but it seems like so many adults get a free pass because of their age and so I’ve stopped allowing that.

     My kids have always been extremely perceptive. They are empathetic and knowledgeable about their feelings, emotions and of those around them. They know when I’m upset or uncomfortable and I used to have to explain it to them constantly until I realized it wasn’t worth putting myself or them in situations that forced me to have to explain and sometimes minimize other people’s inappropriate behavior. I’ve also had pretty grown up conversations where their solution to the problem were more mature and thought out then those my age and above. I think the majority of us were not taught how to communicate well and it shows! Thankfully we wake up every day able to learn and do better and that’s what I want to pass on to my kids. 

     As I’ve been taking the self-discovery journey for almost 10 years now and figuring out how to verbalize what I need from others, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have been a people pleaser my whole life. Because from as long as I can remember, I’ve always gone out of my way to make sure everyone else was taken care of and if they ever needed anything that there was no doubt that I would be there for them. I always follow the rule of treat others the way you want to be treated. If I was in a bind or needed someone to talk to or shoulder to cry on… I always wanted to be able to call someone so I was that person for others. Over the years I realized that bending over backwards for other people when you yourself are struggling is not the best coping mechanism. There are times when other people’s needs comes before your own, but when you haven’t explicitly been taught those limits, the game changer is setting and holding those boundaries strong. I believe it was 2019 when my New Year’s resolution was to have “the year of no!” I told myself that anytime I was in a situation where I was asked to do something that I genuinely did not want to do, my answer would simply be “no!” It didn’t need any further explanation except that I didn’t want to do it and it didn’t make me happy. I had friends that thought it was the craziest idea, but I assured them if I was at an event, party, or girls night that it was because I truly wanted to be there with them and not because it was an obligation or chore to do so. It was the first time I changed my mindset to be more present, to focus on my family time and not always obligated to feel like a chicken with my head chopped off running from one activity to the next until I crashed from trying to do all the things. It was the first year that I made a commitment to ensure my happiness and it worked and since then I’ve continued to live by that mentality. 

     Some of these boundary conversations were some of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I would rehearse these well thought out chats over and over again on my way to and from work, in front of a mirror just like I did in public speaking 101 when I was in college. I created bullet points and an outline just to make sure that my point was understood clearly because in my mind boundaries are not a punishment. That is not what they are meant for and I did not want to be misunderstood, just heard. To me, being able to articulate what you need from a relationship is extremely important, especially when your body is telling you it’s easier to walk away. After all, we’re not machines, we’re human. We are not programmed to take on everything, we have limits. Even though we don’t have a button that goes off telling us to check our engine light or danger zone, our body speaks and it tells us when to slow down, when to take a step back and when to make changes. When others think that setting boundaries came out of nowhere, or that it’s being harsh or mean… I strongly disagree because in my mind it got to this point out of survival and the only way I could continue the relationship. 

     What I learned very quickly is that there are two types of people. Those people that understand, adapt and respect the boundaries that you created. This can take time, remember that, but they love you and will understand it’s important to you in order to have this relationship. They work hard to provide you the safe and loving environment that you are looking for to grow. Then there are those that don’t agree with the set boundaries, fight you on them, and ultimately force you to make changes to the relationship because of it. These types of people believe they’ve done no wrong, don’t need to change and that you are the problem, not them. In my old age, I realized it’s easier to cut out those in the second category and not have them in your life. 

     I had spent years in the classroom feeling belittled, under appreciated and looked down on, but you never forget that first time. I was 22 year old, in my first week at a new school out of college, where the principal walked into the room and proceeded to tell me to get up from my lesson at the carpet, she then taught the lesson “her” way and told me in front of the class, “this is how it should be done!” My first evaluation meeting with her I was told that I wasted my time in college and I should just quit now. Needless to say, she was fired pretty quickly after being hired but the damage was already done. Over the years I’ve had a ton of grade level partners or supervisors who would speak this way and who had a superiority complex and for so many years I just took it all. All the negativity, all the days spent crying about what others were allowed to get away with because they had a bad day or felt threatened by new ideas and it was exhausting.

     I still remember the first time I set boundaries in the workplace. It took so long for me to finally stand up instead of avoiding the person and even hallway. I remember going to work feeling sick to my stomach day after day, knowing that no one should ever make you feel this crappy. I remember getting to a point where I was still somehow my mature self while letting her know that I don’t appreciate the tone of her voice and would appreciate the respect I deserve. In that year end meeting to discuss the following year, I let her know I was no longer renewing my contract and hoped she would treat the next teacher with more respect. 

     I’ve had friends in the past act in a way that made the decision easier for me. After years of being your shoulder to cry on or person to vent to, you tell me to get over it when I have something to share. Those that know about my past and things I’ve had to overcome, but yet get around other people and throw it back in my face. These are relationships I built an instant wall for, walked away and never turned back. Every single crappy encounter I’ve had over the years made me who I am and made me strong enough to let a few of them know they aren’t able to speak to me that way or simply to change the tone of their voice because I didn’t appreciate it. Some may say it’s bitchy, but I don’t really care. This is the new me I’m not accepting anything less than I deserve.

     The more people I meet, the more I hear that they’re struggling with those around them. I’ve had a long time to practice, but in my mind it’s pretty black and white. If you’re around someone who makes you miserable things either need to change or they stay the same. My philosophy has been pretty consistent over the last few years so I’ll share it with you guys… If something makes you unhappy, change it! If you have a story to share or want to talk out what’s going on, feel free to send me an email through my website. I’d love to hear from you!