The Poor Mom Revolution

  Family has always been most important to me. Growing up I remember taking day trips, movie nights, family game nights and having dinners together in the kitchen. When my husband and I were talking about the what if’s of our future, this topic inevitably came up often. What would be important for us to continue with our kids. We worked hard to make sure that we sat together for dinner every night at the table. Technology (phone and video games) is always off and away and we are able to have some incredible chats about school, life and feel connected to our not so little ones. The other night, my daughter shared the most dramatic story of her day and we all practically fell off of our chairs laughing. I look forward to coming home from work to giant hugs and even on the worst of days, it feels like we’re doing something right. I live for the weekends, snuggles and count down the days until break and summertime where we get to experience all the things together. With all the crazy, I get burnt out, overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated, easily irritated, anxious and touched out more times than I can count. This parenthood journey isn’t for the weak, but thankfully we get to start over every day! 

     As I’m writing this, I’m mind blown that this December was our 11th wedding anniversary and we’re going on 19 years together “on and off” but still a crazy reality. We’ve spent more than half our lives together and I’ll be forever grateful that we still want to spend as much time together as we can. The kids have made our alone time change pretty dramatically just like when we had the Nokia cell phones and savored our free night and weekend minutes. We wait until the kids go to sleep to have whatever time we can before one or both of us crash. That’s when we save time for our late night chats, watch an episode or two of one of our joint shows or pass out!

     I am grateful that we actively want to and enjoy spending time together even though it seems like far and few between. We’re constantly doing things as a family, not only because they’re awesome, but I want to experience things with my best friend. Our favorite weekends include trips to Home Depot and Lowe’s, Chipotle and Cali Burrito, BJs, picking up inventory from garage sales and going on day trip adventures. My son’s infamous phrase is, “ why do we always have to do things as a family?” 

     If I’m being honest, I would absolutely love having even a monthly date night or a time to just be us as two adults that aren’t parents, but actual people that enjoy each other’s company. Since moving out we’ve always lived a good 1.5 to 2 hours away from family. We’re always close enough to be able to spend the day or an overnight, make sure we’re back for parties and events, and to keep all those family traditions alive. The hard part is that the distance doesn’t allow for a spur of the moment dinner or date nights. I’ve always been sort of jealous of those friends of mine that would go out weekly, have a little happy hour after work or simply a back up plan in case something comes up and they want to go out. Now, when I was younger I had tons of babysitters that would come over and I always figured that when I had kids I would do the same. As new parents, we quickly realized that financially we weren’t going to be able to do that. Working out the budget to allow dinner and a movie was about $100 evening and babysitters at the time were about $10 an hour for 1 child and just couldn’t see spending the $150 to $200 for one evening let alone when we had a second child. When the kids were teeny we lived on one income and at the time it was strictly based on who was making more money or who had the better benefits because the other job barely covered childcare expenses. Between bills and necessities we had every penny accounted for and not much left over when all was said and done. As much as we would have loved to “treat ourselves,” if we had $200 to spare it was taking the family out to experience something new, build some incredible memories or save it for the next emergency that would undoubtedly knock us off our feet. 

     With each move we met some incredible people. We’d set up mommy/child dates at the park, at each other’s houses or just to walk around Target or Wegmans with a coffee. They’d help me especially not feel so alone. I’ve had friends over the years offer to watch the kids for a night to give us a break, but that’s where that guilt comes in. We’ve taken a select few up on the offer, but it is so hard for us to do that. I know my kids are pretty awesome, but in my mind, it always felt like a burden or since I’m not “paying” I’m taking advantage. I know it’s all in my head, because I’ve offered to watch everyone else’s kids to give them a break and I mean it sincerely. It’s not simply because we were always so overprotective, even though that could have been a factor, we’ve just always had dietary restrictions. My son has a lot of allergies and unfortunately they got progressively worse as he got older. We constantly worry that something would go wrong and we wouldn’t be there. I know I’ve panicked in emergency situations especially when it came to the kids and wouldn’t wish that on anyone. When we’ve had to have a slumber party elsewhere or drop them off for a few hours, I’d pack everything you could possibly think of from food to medicine to the what if scenarios. 

     My daughter just recently had their first “drop off and go” playdate. I’m not going to lie, it was tough on me. When they’re little it’s always a parent/child playdate and it took us a while to find that core group of friends once we moved up here with virtual learning and living far and few between. It took me a while to get to know the parents and I guess I’m old school like that. Growing up I’d be at everyone’s house and i’d have to check with my parents, but I feel like the question for a playdate was typically, “are the parents home?” I know I didn’t have too many sleepovers except with a select few friends, so I know my mom had a similar mindset to me on this matter. My kids are my everything and I’m realizing i’m going to be worrying for the rest of my life, aren’t I.

     To all of my teachers out there… The best way to explain dropping my kids off at someone else’s house to get some “me time,”  is coming in on a day I should be off, because it is so much easier not to prepare for a sub. I know you all get it. The detailed outline, the many layers of curriculum in case they are done earlier, the fact that you may need to repeat and start over anyway the moment you get back. The amount of work, planning and stress that goes into it can be daunting and it’s easier just to push through. Of course, I did leave teaching due to the fact of not having proper boundaries in place for my own mental health and I am fully aware this tactic of doing everything on our own is a fault of ours, but we’re working on it. 

     To this day we don’t go out often. Each year my parents gift us some time away for our anniversary and we cherish that almost as much as the kids love spending a vacation at Grandmammy and PopPop’s house. A few days alone give us time to reconnect, leave the house on a whim and just enjoy dating each other again. Every time we have the conversation that we wish we could spend more time alone, we remind each other that this crazy time in our life is temporary and time we can’t get back with our not so little babies and that we’ll be living it up in our 40s! I’m not sure how everyone else manages it, but I know we can’t be the only ones struggling to live our own lives alongside our kids. What do you do that helps alleviate the pressure of parenthood?