The Poor Mom Revolution

     As parents we do our best to teach and protect our kids from the very beginning. We pride ourselves when they reach important milestones, try new foods, use their manners and are respectful to those around them.  As they get older, all the experiences they have around them begin to influence their lives and of course it’s not only coming from home. Everything that happens with friends, at school, TV and movies, through social media or phones all begin to have a giant impact and it’s almost like you don’t know how fast it happens until it’s here. 

     That confidence you helped to build gets tested by someone making a hurtful comment at recess. Your strong, resilient child that knows who they are and doesn’t care what people think, begins to doubt themselves when they’re part of a group that doesn’t make them feel like they belong. The lesson “treat others the way you want to be treated” seems to get thrown out the window every day on the school bus when parents aren’t there. The endless conversations day after day questioning what certain words mean, why certain people use them if they’re not nice, and slowly realizing my littles are having to grow up much faster than I’d hope for. 

     As parents, we do the best we can every day. My goal has always been to keep an open line of communication and do my best to put my feelings aside to allow them to feel comfortable and safe talking to me. I’ve never wanted them to hesitate asking a question or for advice if they needed to. I’ve let them know if they weren’t sure about something to always ask us first and that we’d be open and honest with our answers. I’ve always had at least one or two friends who would tell me how it was, listen to me when I needed to spill my guts out and let me cry when I needed it. It took me a while to find that tribe where I could be completely and utterly myself and I always swore that when I had kids I would be that person for them until they found theirs. In those moments I have to take my mom cap off and just listen. I need to be a sounding board, comforting them until everything’s okay again. And even when it’s not… I’m the one who will sit next to them in silence, letting them know I’ve got their backs. 

     Now being that person is really REALLY hard. Sometimes they don’t like me. They will share this huge and elaborate story about a situation that happened during their day and ask me what I think. Half the time they don’t like when I play devil’s advocate and give them an alternate perspective of how their friend might be feeling. Little kids have a difficult time taking themselves out of the situation and realizing what it looks like for other people. Sometimes I have to be the one that explains that they were super upset and became really emotional in the situation and may have reacted differently than they intended. Sometimes these conversations end with a mutual agreement where they may want to apologize and other times they get angry with me for not taking their side and don’t understand where I get my ideas from. Sometimes these conversations end in a loud door slam, frustrated tears and the silent treatment.  My mom was always the one that tried to get me to walk a mile in somebody else’s shoes and I’m pretty sure I get my empathetic tendencies from her. This is a hard skill to learn and I feel like a lot of people don’t have it so I’ve made it a point when possible to introduce it and try and teach them to look at all sides given a situation. 

     Then there are the days that absolutely break my heart. Something happens during their day and the moment they get home everything hits them all at once. The hard shell comes down, they feel safe and it’s as if the world has ended and is crashing down around them. I have spent so many days holding them as they cried and even crying with them. Honestly, If I could take it all away and have them avoid all the drama, heartache, stress and sadness… I would in a heartbeat! There’s nothing worse than seeing them feel these big emotions and not being able to do nothing about it. 

     I still remember specific instances, in elementary school and beyond that really affected me. Things I never forgot or that stuck with me that have worked against my self-esteem and confidence. Being around people that make you second guess your self worth is not something I ever want my kids to feel and a concept of ”It’s all part of growing up” sucks! I still remember going into the lunchroom in 5th grade and being told I was no longer allowed to sit at the table with my best friend since kindergarten… that was the day I sat somewhere else and made some new friends. I remember being made fun of at my first sleepaway camp experience when I was in 5th grade for not having a razor and shaving my legs. I bet you know what I did the moment I got home. I remember liking a boy in another school and being called a slut for months as I walked down the hallway. Then the following year I was being threatened over a boy…twice actually… and being nervous because I’ve never actually been in a fight before. Thankfully I was able to talk some sense into one of them and the second time they didn’t show up. Talk about peer pressure and uncalled for drama starting early! For me it was just a day in the life and I wish I didn’t accept that back then. I know life is about being on a journey, but I wish I had the strong personality I have today from the very beginning. I would have spoken my mind, not let people walk all over me, stood up for myself and cut out all the other crap.

     I’m not oblivious to the fact that I dealt with all of this at least 20-25 years ago and things are even worse now. With everyone getting cell phones earlier, live video chats, game streaming, messenger apps… what terrifies me is that no matter what happens in school, it will without a doubt follow them home. My kids currently don’t have social media or cell phones but I know it’s an inevitable evil that at some point they will definitely need. My hope is by that time they understand more about taking care of themselves, shutting it all down when they need to and keeping people in their lives that benefit them instead of hurting them. Hell, I’m still trying to figure that out and I’m in my 30s! If anyone’s figured out how to make it all a little less hard…I’d love the help!