The Poor Mom Revolution

Every so often my husband and I ask ourselves, “Are we good parents?” This past weekend was one of those times. Sometimes I feel like I’m just going through the everyday motions. I’m exhausted, making the never-ending lunches, doing homework, running to soccer events and sometimes I forget to live in the moment and just enjoy. I feel like I’m constantly nagging them to clean or get ready to leave the house and on those heavily scheduled weeks I feel like I’m less than a parent and more like a personal assistant. Parenting is one of those jobs that you never get to turn off or leave, and you never get that satisfaction that you’re on the right path.

When we get into these discussions, we talk about our own families and if we’re making the necessary changes we wanted to make for our kids, as every generation does. And contemplating in 20 years, what the kids are going to want to change about us. It is definitely a crazy thing to think about, but it’s inevitable and I want to be able to say that I did everything in my power to make sure they were happy and healthy and safe. I want them to know that I am human and mistakes are going to happen and when they do I’m not too proud to apologize and let them know that I’ll do better next time. Parenting never came with a how-to book and I think all of us are just trying to get through each day sharing our wisdom and hoping we’re passing on the positive traits we have. One of my main goals is that the kids are not nervous or scared to share how they feel, especially if something upsets them that we’ve done as parents. When we begin to feel like this, we blatantly ask them if they think we’re doing a good enough job. Usually we get positive feedback, but I’m hopeful that if there’s something they’d want us to change, they’d be able to let us know.

If there’s one thing I find so fascinating about parenthood, It’s that we do our best to give our kids what we felt like we didn’t have. The more conversations I have with parents, the more I realize that we’re all just trying to do the best we can and not screw anything up. I’ve met those that were the oldest child and felt that they had way too much responsibility early on and didn’t want their kids to experience “growing up too fast.” I know others that always wanted to take the burden off the family and became the good child aka the quiet one that didn’t share when they were struggling because they didn’t want to be an added stressor. I know people who had both parents working crazy hours to make ends meet, so unfortunately weren’t around for the everyday milestones or sporting events and swore to be around a lot more when they had kids. I’ve had friends that grew up in an abusive household and would do anything to make sure their kids never felt that fear a day in their lives. No matter how different our childhoods were.. It doesn’t change the fact that there are things you want to pick and choose from, pass on or forget as you begin to build your own family.

If there’s one thing we’ve definitely done differently.. It’s been talking to the kids like they’re adults since they were little. We would narrate what we were doing and naming objects around the house. Of course we still played peekaboo, made silly noises and did raspberries on their belly, but I do think their vocabulary and emotional intelligence is high partially because of how we spoke to them as babies and how we continue to as they get older.

In previous blogs, I’ve spoken about my lack of communication and ability to share or ask for help when needed. I always felt like it was my burden to hold so I’d put on a happy face and let everybody know that I was okay even when I wasn’t. I mean I’m still working on this, but I’ve gotten much better because hiding didn’t help anything. I had told my husband from the beginning and we’ve kept our word, that we would always allow the kids to have a place to share without judgment and leave that open line of communication. When they get off the bus and someone has said a word they don’t know they feel comfortable asking, knowing they’ll get an explanation. The inner child in me smiles everytime they share, question and let me in as they grow up and learn their independence.

Last week I came home from work and gave everyone my usual ‘I love you’ hugs and sat at the table to talk and do homework. My son then tells me that he really loves me and proceeds to tell me that “I’m the best mom he could ever ask for,” which of course gets me teary-eyed because I’m in the middle of questioning my parenting abilities. After dinner, we were sitting on the couch and they began asking me questions they had about life, puberty, and everything in between. My husband and I were just smirking at each other… because these were the types of hypothetical conversations that we dreamed about, as stupid as that sounds, when we thought about having children so many years ago. I love that they felt comfortable enough to ask, putting my crap aside, no matter how uncomfortable I felt to make sure that they had all their questions answered.

Sometimes within all the crazy you forget that you’re doing a pretty good job and you’re raising these kids to be incredible human beings. We are not perfect by any means, but pretty darn close! These kids see the perfectly imperfect parents that we are!