The Poor Mom Revolution

     Parenthood and relationships are hard. They are messy and stressful and overwhelming. We do our best to balance everything, but at some point things will start to fall. When this happens, we tend to lean on those we love around us which most often are our significant others. In my case, my husband is my person and my best friend who I tell everything to. He has also gotten the brunt of my emotions, upsets and explosions over the years. I’m definitely not proud of it, but I’ve taken things out on him as well when he didn’t deserve it.  

     Not too long before we got married, we bought a house. We were so excited to move out of our first apartment into a much bigger space that we knew we were going to be starting a family in. With a new house, there were different kinds of stresses included in homeownership and the amount of money we were going to have to put into things to upgrade and fix it. Like all financial stresses it put a strain on both of us and how we communicated with each other and it took a toll. I was definitely not my best self at the time and I realized we really need to take a step back from the situation and see how hard the other one was working. 

     I 100% believe that friendship is the building block for any strong relationship. You need to be able to communicate, love and respect that person in order to fully trust and let them into your space. If you don’t have that strong foundation, things will start to crumble around you. There was a time towards the beginning of our marriage when we had super young children, higher expenses and daycare bills and barely talked. We were stressed, overworked, emotionally driven and we both drew a lie in the sand. I called this the roommate phase and it lasted well over a year, maybe two, and I hated every single second of it. We were disconnected and I felt miles away and for someone who is big on quality time and physical touch, this didn’t help one bit. We were two ships passing in the wind, going through all the motions, but not seeing each other. It finally took us getting to a breaking point to stop being stubborn and to really focus on working through the tough times together. 

     I remember having a conversation with my brother a few years back about relationships. I had mentioned that they are extremely difficult, but only the good ones are worth fighting for. I let him know that my husband and I are not perfect by any means, but we make an active choice to choose each other every single day whether everything is perfect or we’re going through rough patches or a time when we’re down in the dumps. We made a promise to each other that we would let the other one know if we were still in it. By that I mean if we were feeling out of sync, out of love, not respected that we would share any and all those feelings and let each other know if we wanted to continue working to fight for this or if we were done. No one wants to be in a loveless marriage, and I know that a lot of people find the word divorce or separation scary. We made a promise to each other that if we ever got to that point we’d talk it through. We’ve brought it up whenever we needed to see if it was something that one of us wanted because we are both either in this completely or we aren’t. I was surprised when my brother told me it was one of the most romantic things he’s heard, that we have the tough conversation all the time about whether we love each other enough to work through anything that comes our way. I never really thought about that being romantic, but I agree that more people should let each other know how much they mean to each other because maybe more relationships could be salvaged. 

     The definition of appreciation is to understand the worth or importance of (something or someone). I find appreciation to be a really big deal as so many times we feel undervalued, unheard, unseen and lonely. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard someone tell me that their spouse doesn’t understand all the things they do during the day. That the mental load they carry for the entire family is exhausting and draining in itself. That the pressure to make ends meet, pay all the bills and still have time to be the “fun” parent is super difficult. We don’t spend enough time appreciating each other, living in the present moment and sharing how much the other person means to you throughout the day. We take people and time for granted and I think it’s a whole we need to work on that.

     Now everyone is a completely different and if you don’t know anything about love languages, I highly suggest reading up as it helps a lot. For me, I am all about quality time and physical touch. I feel loved and appreciated when I’m snuggling up on a couch watching a movie/show or taking a day trip out to lunch when it’s not something we normally get to do together. I am not someone who enjoys big grand gestures or gifts as they actually make me more uncomfortable than valued. Bring me a little coffee at work as a pick me up ☑️ buy me super expensive jewelry❎. Do you know what your love language is or your spouse?

     My husband and I have grown up together. Which can make things easier and difficult at the same time. Since we’ve known each other from the age of 16, we’ve obviously grown up and changed alongside each other which come with added expectations. I believe we know each other better than anyone else and sometimes I honestly believe he knows me better than I know myself. I get easily irritated if I assume he should know what I’m thinking when he doesn’t. He’s not a mind reader or a magician and I can’t expect him to know everything just because I think it, hint it or “practically” said it. 

… Which doesn’t make sense at all!

I’ve gotten frustrated when we don’t agree on something even though I married him because he challenges me and pushes me to be better, not because he agrees just because I said it. 

 … Opposites obviously attract!

And it all comes down to appreciating the person you’re choosing to share your life with. Do you respect them enough to let them know when you need help? Do you care enough about them, to let them know how much they mean to you on a daily basis? 

     Relationships and marriage are worth every single second or else nobody would participate in the first place. I find that the hardest and most difficult things are always the ones worth fighting for.