The Poor Mom Revolution

It has been a little over a week since I’ve slept well through the night. I’ve been tossing and turning for hours, attempting to read or watch a show and my mind won’t stop running in circles. It’s one of the most aggravating things. My brain has been going a mile a minute and I’ve been finding it difficult to take a step back and breathe. I was talking to a good friend of mine recently. I came to the realization mid conversation that everything in my life is currently perfect. I’m exactly where I’ve always dreamt of. I’m present in my kids’ lives and I’m always there to cheer them on during their sporting events or on a field trip. I’m with them after school doing homework, studying and snuggling on the couch. I work at a place that has pushed me outside my comfort zone and allowed me to grow and be more confident in my abilities to lead while keeping a healthy work/life balance. I no longer allow people to walk all over me and know my worth. I have amazing friends and am learning to travel, enjoy weekends away, laughing and smiling more. So yeah, things are great.

That’s the funny thing about living. Your brain knows how incredible everything is, but can still find something in the back of your mind that nags you because something doesn’t feel right. It’s that constant irritation or potentially my anxiety that’s going out of whack that is trying to find something wrong. I feel as though I can never be fully content with where I am and I don’t know if that is because I’m a goal oriented person that’s always looked ahead towards the next thing, or simply being somebody that can never be truly happy or satisfied.

Although saying that out loud and putting it down on paper makes me feel like a terrible person. What is this crazy internal pressure that we put on ourselves? Is it one of those nature versus nurture studies where we’ve just grown up to never be okay with where we are? That we’re always looking for the next best thing and having that constant voice in the back of our heads letting us know that we could always be doing more or simply working harder. All of it is exhausting.

Part of me starting a new career path and changing so much about the life that I thought I wanted was about my search for internal happiness. I was tired of waking up everyday counting down the hours till I was back in bed. I was drained from working my butt off just to get home and be too tired to “deal” with my kids and family. That I was emotionally and physically tapped out from the day that I couldn’t be touched without it making my skin crawl and any additional noises around me were too overwhelming. Imagine coming home to the love of your life and your little babies to tell them … This is too much, I can’t right now. I’d go sit in the shower, as it was the closest thing to a sound deprivation tank, and simply cry. I was over the need to “work to survive,” because when it came down to it… I was barely surviving. I wanted more and deserved to have it.

I’m still trying to figure out what being genuinely happy is all about. I’m striving for smiles, contentment and fulfillment each day which I think is a great start. There are too many of us that simply go through the motions each day and live to regret the stressful world we created that makes us miserable. I feel like I’m halfway there. I’ve built a life that doesn’t cause me stress the moment I wake up. I enjoy going to work, hanging out with my coworkers and have met my forever travel bestie because of it. I’m experimenting with new hobbies and finally got back into reading. I’m always looking at the positive side of things and try to make the best of the situations we get handed. I know we’ve gone through a hell of a lot in the last 10 years and every single moment has been worth the battle.

My kids get to experience all the things alongside us and we’re teaching them that you don’t need to have the mentality work to live or live to work… that there is a middle ground that can allow you to enjoy your work day, take your vacation and fun days without feeling guilty and do more of what makes you happy when you’re home. The all or none, work until you’re burnt out mentality isn’t truly living and I have no problem sharing that to whoever needs to hear it.

My husband and I were talking the other day about confidence in our children. That we want them to feel good about themselves and be happy with who they are. And we don’t want them to have to deal with the negativity, self-doubt and loathing that tends to come with peers and the need to fit in. We had a little debate on whether we think it strictly external forces that determine this or if it’s something that you can teach. Personally, I battled with and cared about what others thought until I was almost 30. It took so many experiences and a lot of built-up confidence to be able to set boundaries, tell people what I needed or wanted without thinking of someone else first. And I already see it with my kids now. They were both confident, daring, bold and unapologetically themselves until school happened. I think for both of them it was around first or second grade. They started coming home, upset with what people were saying or doing and all of a sudden didn’t have the tools to say how they felt. We’ve been consistently working on it whenever the situation arises, but it’s crazy how other people factor into our decision making at such an early age and it takes us so long to get back. My argument had been that no matter how much we teach them, guide them and set them up for success… The outside forces are always going to be there whether we like it or not. As much as I hate it, the school environment allows for the childhood lessons we have grown to hate and accept like bullying and peer pressure. Happiness starts internally and just like mastering any skill, it needs to be practiced.

This blog took me a few days to write, and thankfully I just started sleeping through the night again. It comes in waves, feeling like I have a million things to do and the weight of the world on my shoulders. Sometimes I find it therapeutic to get my thoughts down on paper and find it a necessity to journal it down so it isn’t all in my head. Thankful again for an official full year of blog writing as it’s been an incredible self discovery journey for me. Thanks for reading, understanding and listening.