The Poor Mom Revolution

I remember being a kid and thinking about how difficult things were at the time. Living in that moment and thinking how things would never get better, being stuck in the negativity and my world is ending mentality. Every other week, month or year would be a different situation, yet the same old story whether it was elementary, middle, high school or college. No matter if it was about friends, relationships, jobs, bosses… learning to grow up, set boundaries, and learning to be confident in whatever decision I decided was best at the time. Life was and will always be hard. Parenting is and will always feel impossible. But each and every day can be a struggle and beautiful simultaneously. It’s about learning, living and laughing while taking long, deep breaths along the way.

We constantly live and learn from our best and worst moments. Parenting is like a game of chess. For a long time we’re constantly playing the defense while attempting to figure out how to play the game. Creating a strategy and hoping for the best as we react to every situation that our opponent creates with each move. Similar to chess, we can either parent on the defense and fix problems as they arise or anticipate the needs before they happen. Over time we have an epiphone moment, finally figuring out the best way to respond versus react to our kids. Anticipate their moves and learn to create the environment we always wanted as kids.

Just like when the kids are younger and we either center our days around a nap time hoping for a smoother afternoon, or skipping the home nap routine and knowing it may be a more rough one. Either way, having reasonable expectations of what life is like with babies and/or kids allow for us to get our emotions in check beforehand. Making sure we have our backpack of goodies with snacks, candies, tissues, toys, and wipes to hopefully solve whatever is thrown our way. Of course they always need the one thing you forgot to pack in your bag of tricks, but that’s life.

I’ve said It before and I’ll say it again… parenting is more about managing your own emotional well being and past trauma in order to raise kids who are emotionally intelligent and self aware. Raising kids that don’t immediately react out of anger, yelling or impulse. Instead, raising kids that learn to use their words to let others know how they feel, are able to take a step back and see the whole picture, act rationally even when worked up, and to not be in charge of their parents’ emotional state. This balance is difficult to come by and you don’t know what it’ll be like until you become a parent yourself. Every situation and child is different and therefore there is no one size fits all. Before kids, I remember witnessing parents with whining and crying kids in the store and it was always easy for me to say walk out if they get like that, but sometimes you can’t. It’s easy for others to tell you what they’d do if it were their kid, but it isn’t and therefore they don’t have a say. All the unnecessary comments are promoting self doubt, stress and anxiety for no reason, because if I’m being completely honest… I do that plenty on my own. We need to be listening and supporting instead of judging. That’s what our parenting communities are missing.

We strive as parents not to repeat the same mistakes again and break generational patterns. We work hard to teach our kids what we feel is important as they grow up and figure out who they are as individuals. We strive to protect our kids while at the same time allowing them to grow and make their own mistakes. It’s an impossible feat to want to step in, but allowing things to unfold the way they need to. Probably one of the hardest and crappiest parts of parenting. Being there as a shoulder to cry on as you can’t prevent the broken hearts of relationships that will come and go throughout the years. Using the heartbreaks as teachable moments on what true friendships and relationships are meant to be and how you should expect to be treated. Teaching them that anything less isn’t worth their energy. Attempting to keep our own past memories at bay.

I’ve always thought that I grew up in the wrong decade. Don’t know if that’s a thing or not, but felt as though my strengths were not made for the time period we currently live in. I’m not made for a time where you need to have a two person income to make ends meet. Where you are meant to choose work over family to show your value. Where everything you do is questioned by those around you and opinions tend to set roots whether you like it or not. I was meant to be part of a community that was strong and where “it takes a village” mentalities were the norm. Where families raised their kids together within their neighborhoods with evening potluck meals, group playdates, block parties and when everyone helped each other out. Where hobbies involved gardening, baking, helping out with community and school events, bringing meals to new neighbors to introduce yourselves.

I’m constantly wondering what the best ways to rebuild communities are. For now, I’m joining local and online book clubs, on mom friendship sites to meet more local women, getting involved in school and sports activities and trying to put myself out there as much as possible. I think so many of us have gotten used to doing things on our own that we have forgotten how to accept help and friendships from others. We need to get back to reconnecting, confiding and trusting in others. Any ideas?