Life can never fully prepare you for having children. You can wait as long as possible until you’re in the best spot ever and still those wonderful, yet unpredictable little human beings will throw a curveball your way. They will grow, change, and adapt every second, every minute, and every hour. They will begin to grow up and become more independent, day by day, striving towards figuring out who they are and what they want on their own accord. As a parent, our job of helping them survive quickly turns into a listening ear, guidance, and a helping hand. No one can prepare you for that change and how it’s an equal mixture of fear, gratefulness, processing self-control and awareness along with constantly feeling proud beyond belief.
Since I was younger, I always wanted to raise my kids similarly. I wanted to have the same rules and expectations for both. All the chores, cleaning and helping to make meals in the kitchen was a family affair and always a team effort. I do know that the challenges will increase as they get older and the expectations around curfew, safety, the distance of their destinations and relationships will be set for both. As a child, I think double standards are the hardest thing to understand, I being one of them. Growing up as the only girl, sandwiched between two brothers, there were different rules and expectations between me and them. I don’t remember many of the differences when we were younger, but as we entered middle and high school it seemed more obvious. To this day, I may not always agree with it, but I definitely understand it.
I remember growing up our curfews being slightly different and always hearing the “ it’s not you I don’t trust, it’s everybody else. Nothing good can happen after midnight.” I specifically remember having a battle about curfews on a night that I wanted to see a movie with friends and go to the diner afterwards. The immediate answer had been no and that it was too late. The last movie was a 10:30pm start and with the diner afterwards for pizza fries we would have been home between 1-2am. I do understand that it was later than I normally stay out, although there was a clear plan in place and I’d be with a large group of people. My brother had always stayed out late without previously discussing the plan in detail with them of where, when and how long he’d be out. I remember getting frustrated and confused as I had planned it all, and that we weren’t driving around aimlessly with no destination, but could tell them where I was going to be at exactly what time.
I remember prom weekend being another one that caused a stir. I would have totally been upset, but understanding if we all had the same rules regarding what we could do and where we could go. Maybe if there was a discussion about if the afterparties were okay, or we needed to do dinner or an activity instead. If we were able to go down the shore with the school or needed to stay locally at a friend’s house. I understand that there are differences in worry with our world today in regards to our sons and daughters, but those double standards feel pretty crappy when you’re in the thick of it.
The constant differences about taking a road trip or driving by myself in case I’m stranded somewhere. The disappointment and frustration of being friends or hanging out with someone 3-4 years older while my brothers could be with someone 3-4 years younger.
I understand the fears around having children and having a daughter specifically. There are certain things you worry about more so because girls and women are more predominantly the statistic when it comes to assault. There isn’t always safety in going out alone, and you can’t pretend to know about what other people are thinking. It can be a scary world out there with safety keychains and rape whistles, making sure keys are out before you leave the store, covering your drink at all times and never leaving it unattended, and most importantly trusting your instincts and leaving when you feel uncomfortable. These are all vital skills for our sons and daughters to both know and look out for, but traditionally we’ve given the expectations, rules and fears around our girls.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline has recently put out statistics from the CDC regarding teens and young adults dealing with and being exposed to violence. Our fears in regards to our children are not completely unfounded and need to be taken seriously. I would love to provide my daughter with a ton of knowledge and information to ensure her safety as much as I am able to. I wish the absolute same for my son. I would love to have kids who not only look out for each other whenever they are out, but are able to look out for others if the need arises. Always have their eyes open and aware of what’s happening around them and not having their blinders up.
The last thing I want to do is create kids that are highly paranoid. Because of my anxiety it displays in different ways, including constantly having my keys pointing out between my knuckles when going to the car, not parking near other cars or larger vans or trucks on purpose, and making sure to be off the phone and ear buds free at night. When I’m in need for gas with the kids in the car at night, there are times they’ll question why I’ve skipped a gas station. I’ll explain that sometimes it’s because it’s too expensive, other times I’ll get a weird vibe, or I don’t want a place that’s super empty or crazy busy. I let them know that getting gas in our state, makes you leave your vehicle to pump it. As a person traveling with young kids or by myself, I use my best judgement to make sure I get home safely and sometimes it’s about going somewhere I feel safest. Being a parent takes strength. It is scary and difficult the majority of the time and I try really hard to control my own fears as I’m raising them. I want to change things I grew up not liking, emphasize ideas that worked well, and keep my personal fears out of the way to allow for the rational side of me to take over. Parenting is hard because of the mental baggage we all bring with us from growing up. We all have some sort of event or trauma that plays on repeat in our heads and we strive so hard to never allow them to happen again. Sometimes those thoughts can be all consuming.
I found the statistics of teen abuse appalling and want my kids to be prepared in case they are in a situation they should never have to deal with. Whether with someone that they don’t know or more importantly with someone meant to keep them safe. I know it may never happen, but unfortunately the likelihood is really high. I want both my kids to be as prepared as they can be, because our world isn’t always going to be as great as it is at home. The world can be a scary place and I’ll be damned if I allow either of my kids to grow up unaware of these things and the necessary precautions. Not being aware will just increase the possibilities of them coming home and telling me something happened and I’ll know I had done nothing to try and stop it.
-9.4% of high school students reported being hit, slapped, or physically hurt intentionally by their partner in the previous 12 months.
-Approximately 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men who experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner first experienced some form of partner violence between 11 and 17 years of age.
-1 in 10 high school students has experienced physical violence from a dating partner in the past year.Most female (69%) and male (53%) victims of rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner had their first experience with intimate partner violence before the age of 25.
The Poor Mom Revolution 
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