The Poor Mom Revolution

If someone asked you what type of parenting style you had, what would you say? Are you more consistent in one category or do you mix and match based on the situation? Are you more assertive or lenient? Are you more structured and/or provide punishments or avoid confrontation and have few rules? I know there is no one size fits all when it comes to parenting so I did a bit of research to find out if there are more common styles across the board. It turns out that there are four main types of parenting styles according to Child Psychologist, Diana Baumrind along with a Developmental Psychologist and Stanford Researcher, Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin. Together they concluded the four main types of parenting styles are permissive, authoritative, neglectful, and authoritarian.

I get that parenting is a spectrum, and in recent years we’ve coined the certain subcategories as gentle and mindful, or helicopter, lawnmower, bulldozer parenting. All of which are different ways or ideas that tend to add into these four main categories. I think in recent years a lot of fear has set in regarding safety which has changed the status quo. Less people are letting their kids have sleepovers, less are letting their kids out without tracking devices on their phones, and there is more pressure to make sure your kids are okay mentally, physically and emotionally after social media, bullying, mental health struggles, school issues, drugs, alcohol, etc. I 100% understand parents that attempt to prevent their children from making mistakes so no harm comes to them. That mama bear mentality is strong as hell. Protecting them and becoming overbearing to ensure the kids are safe from all the outside factors as impossible as it is, makes sense. How is it possible to find the balance between being too lenient or overly protective?

If we had to put ourselves in a box, I’d say we practice Authoritative/gentle parenting. We set clear and consistent boundaries and rules with the kids. They know what they can and can’t do. They also know that if they break the rules set to keep them safe, there will be a conversation and consequences to ensure they know the why behind how their choice wasn’t a good one. We understand our kids are human, they make mistakes as we all do, and are allowed to show emotions, be upset and irrational at times. We allow our kids to explain and feel heard, because their opinions matter, especially when making family decisions.

The misconception of gentle or mindful parenting, or at least what social media has been portraying, is baby talking your child to a point where they make all the decisions and you just let the emotional outbursts happen with little to no boundaries or consequences. I’ve heard people mention that kids raised in a gentle/mindful parenting household are a burden on others as they need all their feelings validated, and aren’t equipped to manage confrontation in the real world. The kids are soft. I’ve come to terms with others’ opinions and how it isn’t worth a debate. Understanding that emotions are a part of all of us and shouldn’t be shamed, hidden or disrespected isn’t a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. Emotional intelligence is just as important as your intellectual one. It allows you to read others emotions, manage and understand yours which builds strong connections with others. This will improve your communication skills, stress management, leadership and decision making qualities in and outside the workplace.

Millennial parenting parody

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DDhwt6rPfth/?igsh=NXl4Y205cTMyOWFk

My kids have grown up in a household where their opinions and feelings matter. They are acutely aware of others’ emotions and read people extremely well. Their empathetic qualities allow them to know when something doesn’t feel right, question what’s happening around them, and place themselves in someone else’s shoes. I’ve learned over the years that even though I once thought being empathetic was a curse, it is more like a superpower that has been passed onto my kids. I’ve never once been told my kids were soft, entitled, impolite or rude, but kind, respectful, understanding and caring. I believe the way we interact with our kids shows them how to act towards others.

I find it interesting that many people within my generation grew up in houses where they didn’t feel emotionally heard or understood. They were self soothers and people pleasers trying to make sure everyone was happy. They felt that many decisions were made top down and were based on a ‘because I said so’ mentality. Based on those feelings, it would make sense that gentle parenting has become a more popular child rearing strategy. Gentle parenting is a way to understand, empathize, respect and connect with your kids. It’s about creating clear and consistent boundaries by teaching them when mistakes or unwanted behaviors happen instead of punishments. It’s about an open line of communication and treating them with kindness instead of yelling and demeaning. It’s about the knowledge that most adults can’t regulate their emotions and nervous systems, therefore we can’t expect our kids to not react to overwhelming situations. We’re all human and perspective is a BIG thing when it comes to parenting. Many times it’s easier to fall into old habits and recreate the same situations we didn’t like or agree with as children, then change the way we respond to those same situations.

Once again there is no one size fits all with parenting. We all do what feels right and it comes down to the way you were raised, the environment you grew up in, your beliefs and personality. Every generation has a slightly different focus within their parenting style based on the world we now live in and the way we grew up. Things are inherently different. We used to watch the news, read a newspaper, or listen to the radio to hear what was happening around us. Now it automatically syncs to our phone the moment we pick it up. The news is an instant notification, the amber alerts sound to everyone at the same time, social media influences just as much negativity as positivity and it’s an incredible amount of information all at once. All of this creates fear, safety concerns, and stress whether warranted or not. Social media has increased the amount of data and information our families receive from the world on a daily basis and it’s kind of terrifying. As a parent, there is a lack of control with the easy access to knowledge well above their years, asking Google or Alexa for anything they ask, and youtube feeding off clickbait.

Parenting isn’t easy…there is no question about it. It’s a matter of finding people with similar parenting styles to talk to, relate to, ask advice and feedback from who really understand each other. It’s a matter of finding a tribe within the chaos of raising a family that helps, guides you and gets you on a personal level.