The Poor Mom Revolution

Next month I turn 37. It kind of feels weird saying that out loud because I still sometimes feel like a child dressing up in an adult’s clothes. Similar to one of my favorite movies, 13 going on 30. It just doesn’t make sense that I’ve been through so much to still feel like this much time couldn’t have passed so quickly. I’ve been a mom for more than a decade… with an almost 10 and 12-year-old this year. I’m still attempting to fathom how that’s possible. Is time going quicker? And if so, I need it to slow down.

Looking back and reflecting is one of my daily rituals. How is it that in the last almost two decades I have changed into who I am now. That the difference between the beginning and end of each section of time basically spit out a new person. It’s like I remember the past and former parts of myself, but it almost feels like I’m looking through someone else’s lenses. That the previous person helped me to become who I am today, but is so far gone it seems surreal.

The beginning of my twenties were all about the life I had ahead of me. I was finishing out my teaching degree at college, focusing on job prospects, and in the mindset that I could do and go anywhere. It was both freeing and terrifying at the same time. We had road tripped for job fairs all the way down the coast, from South Carolina to Northern Virginia. I was willing to go anywhere and wound up staying in the Lehigh Valley, close to where I did my student teaching. I was beyond excited and grateful to have my first full-time big kid job out of college.

Towards the end of my twenties, I had successfully completed and graduated with my Master’s in Special Education and had two kids. It was a crazy whirlwind, but throughout the first few years of motherhood, I had lost myself. These years focused on learning who I was outside of being a mother, while simultaneously keeping my family as my priority. This was also the first time I had been let go, due to program cuts, and found myself without a job. It was the first time I fell into a depression and wasn’t sure how I’d get out. I started to focus on my mental and physical health to allow everything else to fall into place. I was doing all the things right, but felt like I was barely hanging on. After all the changes I ran a few Philadelphia half marathons, went to therapy, joined a kickboxing gym, and moved out of our first home to relocate for more opportunities.

After all the changes I personally went through in my 20s, I thought I’d be done. How silly to think that change wouldn’t be a constant revolving door. As I entered my 30s, the life I thought I wanted was no longer the goal. I had been teaching for so long that I hadn’t seen anything past that. My daily routine was simple. I would drop the kids off at daycare as soon as they opened, and got to work as early as I could to get ready for the day. I’d use every ounce of down time, including my lunch and specials break, to get anything I could possibly grade done and to prep for tomorrow. The past 8 or 9 years of teaching would include bringing home crates of things to grade, input and look at. Not going to bed until almost midnight. Make sure I was ready for the next day and week to come. The amount of time I used to spend, without getting compensated for it, instead of spending quality time with my family was nuts. I would have nothing left to play and goof around and to honestly enjoy being a mom. The year I turned 30 was the year my boundaries kicked in. I was done going above and beyond and putting everyone else’s needs before my own. I started to think about what I wanted and needed from life, and realized getting paid, basically nothing, to work incredibly hard to live in a house we could barely afford, spend less time with my family, and we mentally and emotionally drained when I did.… Wasn’t worth it. The suburban rat race wasn’t where I wanted to spend the rest of my life. The next school year, I started work at 8 and ended at 4:30pm doing as much as I possibly could during the time I had. I didn’t take anything home, I left work at work and knew the best was yet to come.

Change can be terrifying. It can throw you way outside your comfort zone into something you never knew was possible. It can cause you to lose sleep, the what-ifs can make you crazy, but when you get to a point where staying the same scares you more… you know it’s time to trust the process. In my early thirties, I realized it was time to let go. To let go of the life I thought I’ve always wanted. To let go of the career that I dreamt of since I was little. To let go of the inner turmoil surrounding where I thought I’d be, financially and professionally at this point in my life. To finally listen to the aching in my chest when I felt like a terrible mom because I had nothing left energy wise for them at the end of the day. Most importantly, I feared taking that initial step even though my head, heart and gut said the same thing.

To date, it was the scariest and best choice for our family and I regret nothing! Realizing the life that you had mapped out for yourself since you were about 16 years old was no longer the plan, isn’t an easy pill to swallow. There’s nothing easy about that, and perspective really is an interesting thing. To some people quitting your career, downsizing and moving from the suburbs to the mountains is a bit crazy. I can see why you might think that. In my mind it was less about the place we called home and more about the feeling.

I wanted to be able to come home and be excited. I wanted to be the best mom for my kids and be present when we were together instead of distant. I wanted to be able to wake up and enjoy the day instead of feeling like I couldn’t breathe from the financial pressure. I wanted to surround myself with as much positivity as I could because I was drowning in the opposite. I knew the life I wanted for my kids didn’t involve me being a teacher or living in South Jersey. No matter how scary all of those major life changes were, it brought us here.

Now that I’m entering the end of my thirties, I can’t help but think where my life is going to take me. That this multiple decade-long journey has helped me grow and change, build boundaries and knock down barriers. I can also feel it coming. The uneasiness, and anxiety that tends to come knowing that something big is around the corner. But I think the most comforting thing for me is that over the last 20+ years, my husband has been with me through it all. We’ve weathered the crazy, changes, growth, unforeseeable drama together and he’s still by my side. Here’s to 37!