The Poor Mom Revolution

     This week I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to write about until it literally hit me in the face. In previous blogs, I’ve talked a lot about different situations and things I’ve gone through that caused depression, stress or anxiety along the way. I mean we all go through troubling times and to be fair when you lose a job, or go through a quarter life crisis realizing what you spent your whole life working towards isn’t what makes you happy anymore, or the simple fact of change and the unknown of the future. Life can be scary. Life can be a lot. We all learn and grow from our mistakes or actions and we’re better because of it. But when you’re in it, and I mean the worst of it… It can be hard to give yourself the positive pep talk you need knowing that you’ll come out the other end like you always do!

     According to Mental Health America, in 2022 19.86% of US Americans had a mental illness which equates to about 50 million people living with an assortment of mental disorders with anxiety, depression and bipolar being the most common. I find it kind of crazy that so many of us going through the same things yet feel so alone. Most people don’t talk about it or share that they have it, but it’s such a major part of your life and something you live with on a daily basis. I just find it amazing that at least 50 million Americans have something in common, yet it is still stigmatized, downplayed or told it’s all in our heads. No one has a problem talking about their recent surgeries, backache, high blood pressure or that they had triple bypass surgery… but mental health is something we’re told that we don’t need to share even though we know we don’t have to go through the impossible alone. 

     I’ve shared about times in my life where I was situationally depressed for a period of time like losing my job two days before having a child, which potentially could have also been postpartum depression that I didn’t know about at the time. There were times when I was so low that I wasn’t sure I had the ability or energy to get out of bed and do the things I had to do. I’ve talked about bits and pieces of my anxiety with the overthinking, over analyzing, task oriented, and goal-based lifestyle. All that seems fine and dandy until things don’t go according to plan. That’s when your hands get a little clammy, start to sweat, your chest gets tight and you feel like either crying or curling up in a ball in a dark room. The feeling of not being able to take a full breath or the pressure equivalent to someone sitting on your chest. I felt it more times than I can count and it’s like clockwork where I’m fine for a long period of time and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. 

     Most of the time, I can determine the trigger for my anxiety. It typically has to do with being outside of my comfort zone, standing up for myself, making a big change amongst other things. There are always those times when I have no freaking idea when, why or how the feeling got there. I don’t know about you… but it is the most frustrating thing in the world! I could be making dinner and simply start to cry. I’ve woken up after a full night’s rest with my eyelids heavy and taking everything I have just to get out of bed. Days where one thing doesn’t go to plan and it ruins my  entire day. There could be no reason at all as I had a great day, I’m home with my family and everything’s perfect. Yet, I’m in need of an emotional release and my anxiety is through the roof. Could it be that the house is incredibly messy? Could it be that the noise is too much and I’m overstimulated? Could it be that I’ve taken on too much and I’m completely overwhelmed? The kids are giving me hugs, my husband’s asking me what’s wrong and I have no other answer to give them except “I have no idea why I feel this way.” Now I’ve felt this way on and off since I was much younger. My solution was always to go into my room and yell into my pillow or sit on the floor of the shower and cry it out. Not sure any of them were the most healthy choice, but it was the only one I had. I’d survived the day, been a positive and smiley person on the outside, no matter how terrible I felt on the inside. Then I’d excuse myself to my room to make sure that I didn’t let anybody know that I was struggling, because taking care of it on my own meant that I wasn’t a burden on anybody else.  I continued to do this until a few years ago when I realized my son was copying me. His anxiety would get to a high point, he’d go into his room to release and would shut out the world. That’s when I became more cautious as to how I acted in front of the family. Me excusing myself from the table to cry and then pretend everything was okay seconds later wasn’t protecting them, hiding how I felt or solving anything. it was simply sharing bad coping mechanisms I’ve used for far too long. I couldn’t believe it took me so long to realize that I wasn’t in it alone and the people I’ve surrounded myself with are there for me. 

     Parenting really is learning how to raise kids while you’re raising yourself. It’s learning how to be better for them and teaching them strategies you didn’t have to create strong, more resilient kids. Kids that understand emotion is part of life and not something that needs to be bottled up or shamed for having. 

     This past week and a half I’ve been feeling like crap. Emotional and on the verge of crying and once again for no reason and unable to pinpoint what it is. Nothing out of the ordinary was happening. No additional crazy stresses in my life. Just me being me living the anxiety roller coaster and not being able to stop it. Part of my anxiety… is being able to talk myself into and out of things. It’s like in the movies when you have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. One is providing the crazy, irrational thoughts that induce fear and second guessing, while the other one is being the inner cheerleader letting you know everything is going to be okay. 

     Some days I’m just tired and I know that so many are feeling that too. It’s an invisible illness which gets overlooked because we’ve learned to control our outward appearance. You’ve gotten so used to putting on a mask every morning that we just never stopped. Our minds are a powerful thing and just because you can’t always physically see the problem, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

     I was reminded this weekend that so many of us are going through the same thing. Life can be hard and exhausting. We go through troubling times and then learn how to overcome it. We post what we want others to see on our social media’s to hide the fact that we’re struggling. I’ve realized that the facade is easy to hide from those that don’t really care to ask or get to know us. I realized that I spent years as a teacher hiding the pain I felt because those that saw through it were far and few between. I think about it a lot nowadays… the fact that I’m more open about how I feel, that I struggle with anxiety and depression and that I finally work at a place with friends who see through the fakeness and allow me to be me, whether it’s happy, sad or helpless  in that moment. Knowing you found your people and your safe space at home and at work is comforting, yet brings vulnerability to a whole new level. 

     I’m a big proponent of being your truest self no matter where you are in your journey. It’s important to be able to open up to someone and know when you need to push yourself to keep going or take the time to reset. Some days… life feels like it’s just too much, but most days are incredible, exciting and filled with so much love. I’ve come to terms with knowing that the cycle of anxiety and depression is something you’ll live with forever and isn’t going to disappear. It has its ups and downs, highs and lows, but in the end you’re not going through it alone and there are millions of people around you feeling the same things. So for those of you feeling crappy or helpless right now, I’m here to tell you it will pass as it always does. You have a village and staying silent doesn’t help you ever. It’s okay to lean and depend on those you love because there will never be judgment when you have the right people standing by your side. Last but not least, I know the strength it takes to hide and show the world who you are … choose your hard!