The Poor Mom Revolution

     Life has been pretty good to me. I’ve been able to work through a lot of things that have made me the strong, capable person I am today. I’ve become more confident in my abilities and figuring out who I am. I’ve made some major life changes to ensure that I had more good days than bad and I think about those terrifying steps we took to make our dreams a reality. Determining what makes me tick and branching out of my comfort zone to travel and explore new hobbies and experiences. 

     The hardest battle I’ve had to work through will continue to be my mental health. Similar to when I get migraines, there is always a trigger/symptom or two. I can tell when it’s starting as my habits tend to change. I tend to be more tired, not sleeping well, eating either too much or barely at all, my stomach tends to feel icky and my emotions are that of a hormonal teenager, being easily irritated and crying at the drop of a hat or being emotionless. It’s a gamble of what I’ll feel when and it’s beyond frustrating. It has always gone in waves with my normal happy self, followed by lows where I attempt to pretend it’s all okay. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve simply given into my mind and body as it’s just so exhausting trying to hide it. Either that or I’ve simply surrounded myself with people that know me too well enough to see past what I’m willing to share, especially when I’m not able to put on a fake face and make it believable anymore. I’ll go more with the second one.

     Growing up I honestly believed that letting people know how I was feeling was a sign of weakness. Even to this day, I’ll catch myself using the phrase, “I’m fine” or “I’m always okay” when asked how I’m feeling or if anything is wrong. More often than not, I honestly couldn’t tell you what’s wrong or why I look off. Other times, it’s too exhausting and emotional to share, so I’d rather not. Sometimes like this past week, I’m just trying to get through the day without crying and being asked to talk about it. We’ll bring it on even quicker. 

     Last Tuesday was my son’s 11th birthday. A friend from work asked me how I was doing, and I cried right there on the spot at my desk in the middle of the office. Not like a little cry either, more like an ugly cry that felt like it would never end. Last Friday, I had the whole day planned, starting with the kids passport appointments scheduled at the post office. Long story short, we missed the appointment and I cried in the Wawa parking lot. Not my finest moment, but there was no controlling the ridiculous waterworks that were on the verge from the full week prior. It was a silly excuse to release them, I know, but nothing about feeling overwhelmed is every rational. It didn’t make me feel like the best mom that’s for sure. Kids told me to take a minute, before we went in for coffee and breakfast. 

     I’m always torn when I go through the process of “ getting through it.” Part of me needs to force myself to keep a routine, in the sense of getting the kids ready, going to work and pushing through. The other part of me wants to curl up in a ball with a blanket and not think, move or have anything or anyone depend on me. It’s a mental battle that is exhausting. I still remember the first half marathon that I was training for. For me, the hardest thing wasn’t the training of intervals or going on a long run as I had the stamina to do it. The issue for me was the mental battle of constantly wanting to stop and having to convince myself that I could make it to the next street, can go another 5 minutes, or can reach the next mile. It’s the knowing what you should do, but ultimately not wanting to do it… but forcing yourself to do it anyway. 

     With school starting back up on Wednesday and soccer in full swing, I’m desperately in need of a normal routine. I packed a great lunch with my new salad container and lunch box, have my water bottle filled along with my French Press and creamer for the day. I have a new book I’m excited to start over my lunch break, and I have a spin workout and yoga session planned for the moment I get home. All things to help get me out of the funk that I didn’t want to be in in the first place. 

     Everyone goes through their battles in their own way, but remember you aren’t alone in the crappy feelings you can’t control. Whether you’re on medication, seeing a regular therapist, eating all the right things, moving your boy or not… take a deep breath and remember how incredible you are to have gotten through this so many times before. I know I’m the worst one and have to constantly remind myself, but when we’re sick or healing from surgery, we give ourselves plenty of time to rest, recoup and feel better, but when her mental health is at stake we get pissed off that we’re not able to continue through. We aren’t machines that can power through anything with no feelings or personal attachment and not everything we’re going through needs to make sense. So here I am about to come through on the other side ready to take on my favorite time of year.