The Poor Mom Revolution

     Hello, my name is Jamie and I am a recovering people pleaser. I have always bent over backwards to make other people happy and almost always at my expense. I believed my value was based on how I treated others and how they viewed me. I needed to be needed, which I later found out was more of a coping mechanism to ignore my own sadness in support of others. My kindness and need to help was a power abused and taken advantage of, time and time again. Those that took and took until there was nothing left I could give. Those that unfortunately didn’t show their true colors until I had had enough and finally learned the word no. The boundaries I began to create, to keep my peace, showed me who my people were that would be there, for me, no matter what. They kept me afloat while I navigated the road of finding the boundaries that I needed in order to breathe, survive and find my happy.

     One of my biggest issues was that from the very beginning, I lacked the framework to create a safe space for myself. I had let people around me dictate how I should act and I shouldn’t have. Looking back, it was when I began to find myself and figure out who I was and who I wanted to be… the world became much kinder. As someone meant to be a person who stands up for herself, has confidence and knows her worth; I never displayed that. I allowed others to dictate what I wanted and needed and it never aligned with mine. Lacked the physical ability and the emotional one. I was never weak by any means, but fell into the role of follower quite easily. I could be with others without really ‘being’ there. Never quite felt like I fit in and just went with the flow that was never my own. I always said that if I had known what I know now, growing up would have been a walk in the park. 

     Friendships adapt, change and grow just like any other relationship. They have good days and bad, with some days that may even make you question everything. I also feel like friendships are here when we need them the most and it’s all about timing. Some last a short while, while others last a lifetime. Some have a ten year hiatus until you realize you’re in the same state of mind and are on similar pages just like in years past. I think it is all okay and necessary as we’re all trying to find out how we fit into the giant puzzle piece of life. 

     Perspective has always been an interesting concept. I know I’m the villain in someone else’s story and sometimes it’s easier to leave and walk away from a situation that hurts than battle it out. I’ve heard that when someone decides to walk away from a relationship and not care, it’s that they already shed all the tears and they were done before the words were said. They put everything on the line, one last time, and decided leaving was the only option left. I’ve been there and I’ve felt that more times than I can count. I’ve had some really amazing friends in the past that have no idea why I walked away and never looked back. I know it can be important to give people the benefit of the doubt and explain what happened and why I was done. At the same time, when I first started learning about what was helping versus hurting me, I didn’t have it all down pat. I didn’t want a long drawn out conversation of why I’m making these specific choices, because I didn’t want to chicken out and go back to what I needed. There was a final straw moment I couldn’t overlook or get passed and honestly that’s how I handled it. It was part of me growing up and adulting. My choosing ‘me’ journey. 

     I remember having a conversation in college with my ‘now husband.’ I was frustrated and pissed that I was putting everything into a relationship that wasn’t being reciprocated. That I needed a friend that was similar to me. Someone that not only understood me, but challenged me. Someone that would be there when I needed them, just like I would be for them. That knew the phrase “I’m fine” meant I wasn’t even close. That taking a walk, sitting outside and looking off into the distance, watching a movie or working out together was a much needed escape from the thoughts running through my head. I needed someone who got me and I was wasting my time with those that didn’t. He asked why I was continuing to put it all on the line for something that wasn’t working and I simply replied “because I have to, I have no choice.” Growing up, this was the people pleasing line I would always respond with. At that moment, I agreed with him. We always have a choice and I was going to keep what was working and dismiss what wasn’t. I still remember the moment I began to stand up for myself, take a stand for how I deserved to be spoken to and treated. I remember when the ‘behavior’ that was so out of character for me was blamed on my husband. That he was the reason for the ridiculous boundaries that were placed on those around me. He pushed me to do this. Honestly, they were kind of right. My husband taught me what it meant to have a partner. Someone that respects how I’m feeling, cares about my flaws and pushes me to be better whether it is in my comfort zone or outside of it. We equally bounce ideas off each other and he has always been my best friend. When I complain, cry and meltdown from sheer exhaustion of others… he recommends changing what I allow. I spoke with my therapist and decided change is good and boundaries are the only thing that will keep me afloat. 

     Growing up is hard. We’re all constantly a work in progress. Taking turns out of necessity or want, making a U-turn and trying again when things don’t go quite as planned. I find strength in taking on problems and things that upset me head on as well as occasionally taking the passive route of removing them from my life completely. What’s easier than out of sight, out of mind. I don’t feel as though people automatically get access to you because of who they are. I believe now that it is an honor to be involved in my life and that belief changed everything. Unlike the threats I’ve received from others, I have never felt guilty or regretted a single boundary I upheld for myself or my family, but have felt disappointment when I second guessed or didn’t follow through with ones I’ve created. That feeling when someone has let me down for the millionth time because I allowed it, knowing exactly what to expect. In today’s world, we can block, snooze, unfollow, unfriend and ignore anyone that you don’t see on a daily basis. It makes things easier when you need a clean break or causing unnecessary stress or anxiety. It’s the one thing about social media I appreciate. 

     Some hard lessons I learned that I’ll be passing down to my kids.

1) Listen to your heart, mind and body. 

-You know when something isn’t right. Follow and use that feeling as a guide. If someone is no longer treating you well, being respectful or kind, it is 100% okay to say no more. You can draw a line for them and go from there. If they can’t understand it or respect it, it’s okay to walk away. 

2) Your peace of mind is worth everything.

-Your body is a temple that needs to be honored and respected at all times. If something is weighing on you, share it and work through it. Not everything is black and white and sometimes things suck. They are hard and feel impossible to get passed, but you will. Remember that you are a priority. Practice what you preach. Take all the time you need, but your people will be here before, during and after to support you throughout.

3) Never do something out of sheer obligation.

-I used to use the phrase, ‘because I have no choice’ constantly. You always have a choice. You can always decide to do something or not. You have the ability to say yes, no or be somewhere in-between. There is nothing compelling or binding you. When it comes to your wants and needs, I don’t want you to overlook them for fear of consequences from others. In the long run, the consequence will be slowly giving up pieces of yourself for the benefit of others and others only. 

4) The phrase, “but they are your family” is out

-No one is forced into your lives one way or the other. You get to choose who you allow in and when based on actions, their presence in your lives and it will not be forced upon you. Family is a crazy word, because blood doesn’t always mean connection, respect and comfort. Choose your circle wisely as they can make each and every day better or make each day an exhausting, never ending battle. So many times do I hear that you need to create and keep a relationship out of sheer obligation. Whether you’ve known them forever, they are older and aren’t going to change or simply aren’t there for you or your family in a positive way. It’s okay to shut that down and teach your kids how and when to say enough is enough.