The Poor Mom Revolution

I was reading one of my romance novels this past weekend. Just before the wealthy bad boy who doesn’t believe in love, fell for the young social media romantic… He made a comment that love made you stupid. It clouded your judgment and allowed you to romanticize and justify doing things you wouldn’t normally do for the sake of love. He simplified it down to saying it allows your irrational thoughts, opinions and actions to override everything else. As much as I am a romantic and believe in all things love, I am also a realist. I know nothing comes easy, especially if you’ve experienced love at first sight or meeting your soulmate. It doesn’t change the fact that relationships, no matter how great, are a crap ton of work.

I think being in love can cloud your judgment, but I’m going to play devil’s advocate for a minute. Being in love can, plain and simple, changes your perspective on life. Instead of constantly thinking about yourself, it enables you to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. It allows you to compromise, think outside the box and join a real partnership where two is better than one. It allows you to sometimes take the burden off yourself and to trust enough to either ask for help or share the load. And if you’re anything like me, depending on someone else is one of the hardest things to do. I’m a strong-willed, mostly independent, let me just do it myself type of gal. Building up that trust for me to share my life, goals and dreams with another is something I hold dear to my heart.

Obviously love isn’t simply about connection and finding someone to be by your side. Love is a journey that is constantly changing. It’s the ability to push someone outside their comfort zone because you can see what someone’s capable of even if they can’t. It’s about unwavering support and consistently showing up through the struggles knowing that you have each other and you’ll make it through. It’s having a best friend that understands. It’s that knowing even on your lowest of lows… there isn’t anyone else you’d want to melt into the moment you get home.

I think growing up with parents who met when they were really young can be a lot of pressure. Since we were little, we’ve been striving for connection. We all want to find that person that makes us feel good, safe and loved. Most of the time, growing up is about finding a couple frogs before you meet your prince. Part of the journey is finding out what you do and don’t want from a partner. It’s about self-growth and standing up for what you deserve and knowing how you should be treated and expecting nothing less. So obviously making that connection with someone at a young age and having it grow throughout all the pivotal points in your life is extremely rare.

The phrase ‘High School Sweethearts’ is romanticized. It’s treated as a fairy tale come true, but I feel like It can have its extreme challenges since you’re growing and changing every few years and basically needing to fall in love over and over again. As weird as it sounds, I do envy my friends currently looking for partners. Similarly to people I know growing up, and having babies for the first time. I envy the fact that they’re at a stage in their lives where they know exactly who they are. They know what they deserve and the support they’re looking for. They want someone they can share a life with and no matter how ‘picky’ they may seem from an outsider… I think it’s incredible.

I met my husband in elementary school and we attempted to make it work in Middle School and again in high school, but it took us until college for it to stick for the long haul. We were honestly babies and as much as we grew together over the years, we had a lot of growing up to do on our own terms. We’ve pretty much been inseparable since we were 19 and even before that, I only had eyes for him. We got married at 24, had our first kid at 25 and our second one at 27. We were still figuring out who we were as individuals and the best way for us to help each other get through the tough parts. I sometimes think about how life would have been different if we would have waited until we were a bit older. I think becoming a parent in my thirties would have been vastly different from my twenties, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I just sometimes question how my life experience would have affected being a mom instead of always feeling like I’m trying to play catch up. Always wondering if my relationship with the kids would have been any different if I had already grown up as opposed to growing up alongside them. I guess one will never know.

Love is literally growing up and growing old with the person who knows you better than anyone. This person that had not only seen you through your awkward Middle School stages, but finding yourself through high school and college, struggling through your identity crisis, attempting to find your voice and supporting you through the entirety of it. Like I said, it is a lot of pressure. Not only to make it work, but for your kids to see how hard you work at the relationship and that love may look different from day to day, but that it has never faded

.I don’t want to ruin my kids’ expectations of love. I want them to have extremely high expectations for the person that they choose to spend their life with. I would hope that setting an example of love, affection, strong communication skills and support will allow them to know their worth and choose someone worthy of their time and energy. If they come across someone that doesn’t meet their qualifications or standards, that’s okay too. Growing up and maturing is knowing when something’s not right for you and taking the necessary steps to go in a different direction. We all want our kids to be happy, and the scary part is letting go and allowing them the ability to figure out what that means for themselves. Thankfully, there is still time.

We try to be as honest with the kids as we can. My kids always ask how we met often. What things were like when we were little and how I knew he was the one. It is crazy having to explain emotions that were always hard to understand myself. I remember how I felt when we would pass notes in the hallway, how my stomach would flip inside out when we were lab partners in chemistry, and how he drove me nuts in math class by staring at me and feeling it into my soul. As weird as it sounds, it always felt like a movie playing out in real time. Like these moments were in slow motion and everyone around us was blurred. Those moments never truly disappeared and feel like yesterday and forever ago at the same time. I let them know that everyone thought I was a little bit crazy when I said he was it… at 16. I let them know that people will forever come in and out of their lives for the length of time we need them. Some will be short-lived relationships and teach us lessons and help us grow, while others will stand the test of time and adapt with us as we get older.

I know that what my husband and I have is a rarity. I also am able to admit that it wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows. There are a lot of people in my life that are still trying to find their person and it’s not something that I take for granted. I can only hope that when my kids finally experience it, they are able to cherish and appreciate that special connection.